Foolish Arguments in Marriage

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Marriage Moment: Lessons Learned from Foolish Arguments

In the midst of a recent argument with my Beloved, I kept thinking to myself, this is the dumbest argument we’ve ever had. I knew it in my heart, and yet, we continued to escalate until we were screaming at each other. I also knew that he certainly was not thinking the argument was of any value. However, we simply could not seem to stop. Such foolish arguments in marriage are common.

There we were standing in our bedroom arguing about light bulbs. He had recently replaced the bulbs in our overhead light. On my side of the argument, the light was extremely white, bright and harsh. On his side of the argument, he thought having more light in the room was beneficial.

Before you go to thinking, that it isn’t appropriate for me to be sharing a private argument with the world, let me assure you, I discussed this with my husband. I asked his permission to use this argument as an example and to open a dialogue about how foolish arguments in marriage can lead to anger or even bitter thoughts toward the one you love.

We’ve all heard the cliche’s about how married couples argue over how to put the roll the toilet paper on the dispenser. We’ve all heard of the argument of how husbands and wives disagree about how to squeeze the toothpaste. We snicker and laugh as we share arguments about how leaving socks on the floor beside the bed makes you angry and he just doesn’t care.

The Pitfall of Foolish Arguments

At the heart of such foolish arguments in marriage is the fact that one or both of you are a bit selfish. Oh, it’s easy to be selfish. It’s easy to want things your way. It’s a simple thing to think that if he (or you) would just do this one thing differently then there would be no argument and you’d have a happy marriage.

But the reality is that sometimes, you are the one who needs to compromise. The heart of your own beloved should be more important to you than whether or not you are right.

When we give into foolish arguments we set ourselves up for feelings of dissatisfaction. We begin to feel unhappy, we blame the other person for our unhappiness. Over time we store up a measure of anger that can lie unresolved and dormant in our hearts. As that measure of anger grows, bitterness can set in.

Once our hearts develop a root of bitterness it is difficult to hold love and passion for the one with whom our heart is bitter. In my opinion, it is in these times when marriage becomes most vulnerable to failure.

^“Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;” Hebrews 12:14,15 NKJV

When a Woman Feels Bitterness

A woman who becomes dissatisfied with her husband can easily turn away from his loving arms and his physical offering of intimacy. Because her heart can be hardened by the bitterness she will lose a desire to receive or show love in a physical way.

Over time, the heart will grow so calloused to love that she will turn away from him. He not understanding why his once loving wife now turns from him, may seek comfort from another. While the wife maintains an air of self-righteous indignation.

When a Man Feels Bitterness

When feelings of hurt, anger, and bitterness settle into a man’s heart, he can become quiet and his thoughts turn inward. He can draw away from the comfort of his wife. He may begin to distrust her, even becoming jealous of other relationships that she may have with her friends, or even other men in her life, whether warranted or not.

Through distrust, he may begin to see his wife in a negative way. Because she may not understand his seemingly sudden change in attitude toward her, she will begin to feel her own feelings of sorrow, anger, and bitterness. Love will no longer seem like a viable option.

Before long, both he and she will shut off any form of communication, whether verbal or physical and the marriage will be on shaky ground at best.

Going back to the root, the bitter heart, whether on her part, his part, or both, the failure did not begin with turning away from each other, it begins where the bitterness started, with unresolved feelings of anger, which stemmed from one or more being selfish.

No one says of marriage that ends in divorce that it was because of foolish arguments. Because, over time, foolish arguments are forgotten but the bitterness that builds up remains.

Foolish Arguments Stem from Selfish Desires

You would think, that the argument over the light bulbs would have been over and done with in short order. But it wasn’t. It drug out because I had an overwhelming desire for him to see things MY way. I needed to be right. I wanted to not be in the wrong, even though, as I was in the argument, I knew that I was wrong.

The root of the disagreement was that I had not truly appreciated the effort that he had put into replacing the light bulbs. I should have simply said, thank you. But I was selfish. I wanted something different than what he had done.

In the end, he changed the light bulbs to less bright ones. I got my way. But I was left with a bitter taste in my mouth because I perceived that I had made a huge mistake. I had made the thing about me, not about the effort he had done, for me.

In the end, my loving husband chose to please me. He chose to put my wishes above his own, and I should have been satisfied. But I wasn’t.

We weren’t communicating well, in the moment of argument, or afterward as we tried to reconnect. It was uncomfortable because selfishness never leads to compatible talk.

Lessons Learned through Foolish Arguments in Marriage

So this brings me to why I wanted to share with you a personal argument between my husband and I. I learned a lesson in the midst of that argument.

I learned to listen to what my husband isn’t saying, but is demonstrating.

I learned that no little argument is worth causing harm to my marriage.
I learned that even after 22 years of wedded companionship we can still have foolish arguments.
I learned that putting his heart above my own selfish wants is more important than being right or getting my way.

I learned that no measure of rightness is worth even the tiniest of fractures to our marriage foundation.
I’ve learned that my heart is not more important than his.

Love, seeking the highest good of another, should be at the forefront of our minds and hearts in marriage. {Tweet That}

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corintians 13:4-7 NKJV

In the end, I told him how sorry I was for not recognizing and being thankful for the work he had done. I apologized for arguing over something so trivial, he too apologized for letting the argument escalate to unreasonableness. We both forgave each other because we choose to rid ourselves of bitterness and hold on to love for each other.

What about you? What lessons have you learned from foolish arguments in marriage?