Marriage Moment: Point System
I often hear husbands and wives talk about earning brownie points. You, know when he fills up her tank with gas without being asked he earns points. Or when she makes his favorite meal for dinner he might say she earned some extra points.
My question is why keep score? To earn points means you must start with a deficit. It means you do this for me and I’ll do that for you. I find this concept disturbing. I get it. I do see the humor in this. It’s all just fun and games. But ladies, marriage is not a game. Marriage is a covenant relationship between a man and a woman and if they are faithful Christians it is also a covenant relationship between them and God.
So often we speak common things, with humor as our intent. Jesus said, “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” Matthew 12:34. The truth is when we joke about earning points with each other it’s because secretly in our hearts there exists some imaginary scorecard. The trouble with this is that over time, that scorecard will consistently show greater amounts of deficits than points. We are human; we can never live up to another person’s expectations of how we should act. We can never earn enough points.
The keeping of points highlights another problem. In order to have a need for points, there must also be in some sense a record, a record of positives and negatives. If you earn points does that also mean you lose points? In the great love chapter of the Bible First Corinthians 13 the Apostle Paul instructs us on love. This love while often is referred to in the marital sense is truly the love that Christians should reflect for other people, while that can include marital love it is not exclusive to marriage. However husbands and wives can use this to reflect upon how they treat each other to determine if they are showing love to each other.
So let’s check out this verse. 1 Corinthians 13:4, 5 “4 Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
Now let’s consider how the keeping of scores or brownie points compares with the verse. If we are patient then we must not consider being impatient to get what we want. If we are kind we would not expect this for that. If we do not envy we won’t want for ourselves something at someone else’s expense. If we are not boastful or proud then we would not put our own wants, needs and desires above those of the one we love. When we offer some un-realistic point for action that gave us a sense of pleasure then we place more pride in our self than in others.
Love is not rude or self-seeking. When we put others in a position of needing to earn points in order to gain our favor then we are seeking our self interest rather than the interest of the other. When we anger for not getting our way, then we do not truly love. And finally, love keeps NO RECORD of wrongs.
If we keep points, good or bad, there is an imaginary record. To truly love another, especially our spouses, we need to set aside the record once and for all. We need to instead love for the very sake of seeking the best interest of the one we love without ever expecting something in return. In fact, true love means we seek their good, even if we never get anything in return.
The next time your Beloved does something unexpected for you, simply say “Thank you.” The next time you do something for your Beloved, don’t do it for the thought that you want something from them. Set aside, once and for all the record, because neither you nor he can ever live up to the record. There are no winners when there are records in marriage.
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