Marriage Moment: Intimacy In and Out of the Marriage Bed

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Marriage Moment: In the Marriage Bed Part III

Intimacy is one of those words that takes on different meanings to each person. For some it’s a reference to a close spiritual relationship that develops between two individuals, for others it’s about friendship, while for some it’s about the affectionate relationship.

The reality is all of those definitions are true. In the adjective form of the word, each of those definitions are accurate. But, there is another, the use of the word characterized by privacy, closely personal, rising from a close personal connection or familiar experience. Then there is the form of the word that indicates a very private relationship, the sexual relationship.

I’ve discussed the purpose of the sexual relationship and how it was designed by God. It is for pleasure between a husband and wife and only in that relationship is it sanctified before God. Outside of the relationship of marriage it is sin.

Too often, I’m afraid, Christians get so caught up in worrying about whether or not we know to not engage in sexual pleasure outside of marriage that we fail to discuss the beauty that can exist within the marriage.

It is no accident that sex is pleasurable. We are designed by a loving Creator God. Everything he did for our bodies has a purpose for the wellness of ourselves.

When examining the book of Song of Solomon we understand that it is a story of marital love, sexual love, and we can grow to understand the physical relationship in marriage through a study of the book. But, we must consider the purpose of the book.

“The purpose of this inspired poem appears to be a commendation of married love. It extols the bliss of genuine love after the divine order. Sexuality is a dominant theme but there is nothing base in this, for sex is not an invention of Satan; rather, it was ordained of God for the pleasure and happiness of humanity –within the confines of the marriage relationship. How tragic that this heavenly gift has been so perverted across the centuries in such great variety of ways.” — Wayne Jackson, Christian Courier.com

When we remember that sex was designed by God, rather than by Satan. We can begin to claim the beauty of that relationship, work on it, and grow it to be an intimate joining that reaches beyond the bodily and seeks to embrace the heart and soul as well. When that is accomplished there is a beauty like none other.

But how do you grow such intimacy in the relationship?

That is a very good question.

It must begin outside the marriage bed.

To grow a truly intimate sexual relationship a couple should first have an intimate relationship outside the bedroom. Ideally this would start before the marriage begins, as a couple gets to know each other, sans sex. Then culminating in the marriage and sexual relationship after the marriage has occurred. This is God’s design for marriage.

But, even if your relationship started differently, or perhaps, marriage and life situations have made growing that initial relationship past the earliest stages, you can start fresh. Every day you have a choice about how you will view your marriage, and how you will choose to love your spouse

Building such intimacy, can only happen through direct, frequent, and honest, communication. If you are holding back how you feel, if you think that he should just know what you like, or don’t, then you are wrong.

He cannot read your mind! Yes, I know that we, women, think that if he really loves us, he’ll just somehow magically know what we like, don’t like, or what pleases us. We have this mixed up notion that if he truly loves us then he will simply, intuitively, know what our wants and needs are, and then meet them. But, this is wrong thinking.

Just as you can’t know what your husband is thinking, he can not know what you are thinking. Over time, he can learn to anticipate your needs, your desires, your likes and dislikes. But, it takes time, communication, and work.

Learning How to Communicate Toward Intimacy

Share your daily moods with him by talking about how you feel, (not as a reactionary behavior).
Discuss your worries and fears.
Ask him for specifics about his day.

Be tuned in to what is happening in his job.
Find common interests.
Show interest in what he is interested in. If that means learning to like sports, or at least understanding it enough to converse with him, then so be it. You love him, show him by showing interest in what he is interested in. Why?
- 1. It builds up his ego.
- 2. It creates a bond between you.
- 3. You may find that he too begins to show an interest in your interests.

Listen to HIM! Don’t get caught up in your own self. Remember that you love him and want to get to know him. Listen with a heart to truly hear your husband, and you’ll find that his trust for you grows.
Use encouraging words with him. Encourage his efforts as your husband, as a father, in his work, or role in the church. Always look for ways to build him up, not tear him down.

These are some ways that you can grow your communication skills with your husband outside the bed. In so doing, you’ll find that your heart will grow closer to his heart.

As that bond of trust, and connection grows so too will your desire for him in the bedroom grow. The same may be true for him.

As your intimate relationship grows outside the marriage bed, and as you reach for each other in the bedroom, you’ll start to feel confident that you can talk to him about, well, anything. He trusts you, you trust him, and therefore when you share your desires with him under the covers, so to speak, you’ll discover a listening ear.

By the same token, ask him, what his likes and dislikes are. In this way you will grow in your physical intimacy seeking to please each other, rather than your own selves. That, the pleasure you will receive, or what he does, will simply come naturally.

This is not one of those times when fake it till you make it should come into the picture. Being honest, and up front will go a long way to growing the intimate relationship you desire. I used to worry about hurting his feelings, but over the years, I’ve come to understand that being honest, even in bedroom things, is the best policy.

Don’t Miss These Posts in this Marriage Bed Series:

Note: I have heard from several of you that you may be feeling sad while reading this series. For some of you the reality is that you may be living in a relationship that, for a variety of reasons, are not ideal. Your marriage isn’t filled with the intimacy and relationship that I am describing, thus reading this series causes you conflict.

First, let me say, my intention is to build up, and help you to grow and improve in this area of marriage. I blog often about Marriage and how to work and grow a successful marriage.
Second, I will be sharing posts later in the series related to a broken relationship within the marriage bed and encouragement for how to heal hurts that might exist in the relationship.