Marriage Moment: When Your Husband is a Loner
Tips for Wives to Bring Him Out of His Shell
What’s a girl to do when she needs attention from her man and he wants to be left alone. Well for me… I started a blog. Just kidding, only slightly.
But, what is a girl to do when her husbands a loner?
The first thing would be to remember what it was about him that attracted you to him in the first place. Was he the strong, but silent, type? Did that seem mysterious? Was that exiting?
Only you know what it was that drew you to him in the first place.
He is the same man. Maybe you thought he’d change. Maybe, you thought you could change him.
But we can’t change another person, we can only change how we respond, how we act and react to that person. This includes our husbands.
I’m sharing 5 tips that have worked for me. I’m no expert, but I am a wife of more than 25 years whose learned how to live with, in love, a husband who prefers to have time alone.
At the same time, he’s learned how to be a loving, giving, and caring spouse. But, we’ve had to learn to meet each other part-way from time to time.
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5 Tips for Helping Your Loner Husband Come Out of His Shell
▬ Well the first thing she has to do is to tell him she needs to spend time with him.
Open and honest communication is always best in marriage. Remember ladies, he can’t read your mind. I know, shocking right? If you want him to know what you are thinking then you have to tell him.
Your husband loves you and wants to please you, but often doesn’t know the right time or the right way to do this, so you have to share with him the things that you need and that includes the times when you need to spend time with him.
▬ Do something special for him.
I don’t mean something for the 2 of you. I mean, do something that is totally for him. Let him know you are thinking about him and want to make him feel special. Perhaps it’s a gift that he’s been eyeing for a while.
Perhaps it is a ticket to a sporting event, or 2, for he and a friend. Send a bag of M&M’s to him at work. The goal is to show him you care for him. In return you may find that he takes notice of you again.
This is the hardest for me. I want to spend as much time as I can with Beloved. But, I know that he needs time alone.
I know that sometimes he just needs to go into his own space, do his own thing, and not be bothered. I try, really I do. But then again, sometimes I sneak in just to give him a kiss, then I leave again.
▬ Schedule time for him and the children to have time together away from you.
Remember that dad’s need to develop relationships with their children also. Let him take your daughter on a date. Book him tickets to your son’s favorite motor sport. Send all of them to dinner without you.
Order a pizza and you leave the house and remind him that this is their time to bond. Otherwise, you’ll come home and find they’ve gone to separate corners.
▬ Don’t let him get into such an introverted place that he loses himself there for weeks or even months on end.
This can happen. But remember, you are his wife. You were made to be his help-mate. This is an area where he will need your help the most. God never intended for humans to be alone.
He created woman specifically for the man so that he wouldn’t be alone. Being alone too much leads to depression. We’ve seen this over and over again in our society.
If the time comes when you look around and realize you haven’t really talked to your man, or you haven’t spent very much time together. Or, perhaps you haven’t seen his face in a few days, (GASP). Then it’s time to make some plans.
Plans for Helping Your Loner to Get Out of His Shell
Take the 5 Day Marriage Challenge
- Get out your calendar, call a sitter and schedule a date night.
- Make a special dinner, for the entire family, one that requires real plates and silverware.
- Have a game night, either just the 2 of you or for the family.
- Invite a friend couple over for a meal.
- Book a golf outing for he and a buddy.
- You’re Singing My Song – Glen & Cindy Colley
- 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband – Pam Farrell
- Bringing Out the Best in Your Husband – H. Norman Wright
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12 Comments
lynn
I have tried all of what you’ve suggested before reading this, hasn’t worked…
Renee Aleshire Brown
Please check your listed email for my response. Thanks Lynn.
Rg
This is all making things much worse for the wife. Sure she can can plan everything and do everything to keep a social relationship with friends etc. But, at the end of the day, she’s with a man who cannot be assertive, loving, or caring towards her. There no intimacy, he does nothing to care or help her, everything is for himself. As if she doesn’t matter. She will have a very lonely life. I know, this wife is me 39 years later…..feeling completely alone.
Renee
Rg, I’m sorry that has been your experience. I’ve shared tips that HAVE worked for me in my 25 years of marriage. And, my husband, while he still sometimes draws away to be alone, is quite attentive to our marriage and family at other times. For us, it’s been a slow process but I’ve found consistency on my part and prayer for his heart and mine to be valuable in helping to get through this difficulty.
Jane Murguia
My husband is also an introvert so there are times when socializing and people fluster him. It’s not easy, but we compromise.
Renee
Yes, sometimes they just need the quiet and seclusion. And my husband and I also compromise at times.
R. Giefer
Let’s make the rejected emotionally starved wife do all the work to get him involved. Putting her into the mother mode is not going to make him more available. I know. After 40 years of doing all the work, I now have a retired loner who watches TV all day. I am emotionally starved and worn out. You can’t make him be what he can’t be.
Renee
I think you are projecting your experience upon my words. Trust me, I don’t mother my husband. In fact, we’ve developed a wonderful relationship. He respects me, and seeks to honor me, and I seek to honor and respect him. Yet, there are many times when he needs time alone. And, out of respect for him, I let him have the time he needs. We have to communicate with our spouses. They can’t just know what we are feeling, we have to share our hearts with them. I’m sorry your experience isn’t what you want it to be. I never said you can make him something he isn’t. Nor do I believe you can. Quite the opposite actually. What I do know is that you can’t change others, but, you can change how you react to and treat the other person.
John
Loner ex-husband here. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert, and you shouldn’t try to change one. Only he can change, and if he doesn’t want to he won’t. Now if he’s made a marriage commitment to you, he owes it to you to build a strong relationship. But if he doesn’t, that’s on him and you might need to separate. My divorce had nothing to do with my introversion (it was my ex-wife’s cheating that caused it) but I have no plans or desire to marry again. I do not want to be responsible for making someone else happy. And and the kids (who live with me) and I are very happy with the way things worked out.
Renee
Thank you for your comment. I agree a wife should never try to change her husband. She has to learn to adapt along with him. Marriage is a cooperative and together the two learn to work and live together as one.
I’m sorry your marriage ended in divorce and that the reason was adultery. I’m certain that is a hard reality to face but it sounds as if you and your children are working through it well.
Chimere Smith
I enjoy reading all of these comments because I am definitely married to a loner big time, and it’s trying to deal with and get adapted to how he is. I’m not trying to change him , all I ask is he compromise with me sometimes and spend more time with me, because I try to spend as much time with him as I can ,but sometimes it bothers me when he just want to be alone, and shut me out, jump in his truck and drive off and stay out late at night. I’m having a hard time trying to adjust. I compromise with him all the time, and even find stuff for us to do together with socializing with others and he still get around to.saying no, or just not doing it. He has gotten to the point where is taking our almost 2 year old son and keeping him from everyone, he dont want me to take him around my family, he dont take out kids around his family, this is his first son because I feel he is going overboard with this. I cant even take our son nowhere with me without him getting in between and stopping me. I feel like I dont have that motherly bond with my son because of him. I love my husband and I’m not trying to change him , but he isn’t trying to do right by our marriage at all, when it comes to that. It’s his way or no way, and he blames me for not understanding him, but I am trying because this is my first rodeo, and I am a stranger to it all. I feel like i dont know my husband anymore.
Renee
Hi Chimere,
That does sound rough. I’m sure it can be discouraging. Have you shared your thoughts with him? Sometimes, we wives, have to say out loud what our thoughts are.