Stop

Sometimes I just want to stop.

Stop.

I love doing unto others. I love seeing joy on faces. I love the planning, prep and effort that goes in to serving. It brings joy to my heart.

Sometimes, my heart becomes overwhelmed though. Sometimes, my heart is poured out completely and when I look around I begin to feel that my efforts are in vain, for no one seems to notice that my heart is empty. I’ve been having a difficult few weeks. There has been a lot of emotional things going on in my heart, things that I can’t explain or control. Situations that are going on surrounding my life that cause me sorrow. But saying this, even writing this, makes the matter worse because I feel so selfish to even think that I somehow deserve for others to notice.

What shall I say? There are no words that will empty my heart of this sorrow. The sorrow becomes overwhelming. It is wrapped up in many areas of my life, my heart and my relationships. There isn’t just one heart place which carries the burden, but many.

Try as I might, to show unending love to others, somehow it gets twisted and turned into something I never intended.  I suppose that is Satan’s work. I want to only think on good things. I want to only live in the Peace of the Father. I want to only live the life that He has prepared for me. But sometimes, just sometimes I want to Stop.

Stop putting others above my family. Stop putting the needs of others above my own. Stop holding my tongue when others hurt me with flaming arrows of words. Stop trying to find the good in every situation when sometimes the good just cannot be found. Stop feeling happy for others when wonderful things happen while my own heart is sorrowing for what has never been. Stop caring about how much it hurts. Sometimes, I just want to stop the seemingly vain-less efforts, that produce no fruit.

But, I shall go forth. For my Savior wanted to stop too. He, on the night he was betrayed prayed for the Father to take the cup away. I can only imagine the weariness of his soul in that moment. I can only imagine the sorrow as he prayed so deeply that his sweat became like drops of blood. My sorrow seems insignificant in the face of his reality. My self-pity seems mundane when I consider the enormity of the love he was willing to pour out for even me. The only thing that I need to stop is to stop feeling sorry for myself. Pull myself up, turn my face to the Father and seek to honor my Lord above all else.

O Lord my soul doth magnify you. For You are worthy of praise and I am but dust. Forgive my heart of it’s selfishness, and I pray that I may always put You above myself. I pray that I seek You first in all of my ways that I might glory only in You. In the name of Jesus my Savior I pray.